My husband’s favorite singer is Bruce Springsteen.  Although we aren’t up there with some of those Bruce groupies who have seen him in concert hundreds of times, we have been able to catch him 3 different times since we started dating in 2007.   We have most of his albums, all the books written about him and by him, the DVD collection, etc.  If I put together an “Us” soundtrack, a majority of the tracks would be Springsteen.  Today I have one of my favorites, “Waitin’ on a Sunny Day,” off of The Rising running through my mind.  I think this song of faith and hope comes to mind because it’s raining and it’s been a really rough week for us.

My husband is back in the hospital and other than that time almost 5 years ago when he was first diagnosed with cancer, that time a little over 3 years ago when the cancer first came back in his abdomen, that time 2 1/2 years ago when the cancerous lymph nodes returned,  that time 2 years ago when every doctor we knew told him he had less than 3 months to live, and that time in January when he was diagnosed with leukemia, THIS has been the most afraid for his life I have been yet.  His liver was enlarged and toxic, his kidneys were on the verge of shutting down, and if we had not been where we are with the level of care that he is receiving, I believe I would have lost him.

Things are looking much better today, but I’m still waitin’ on that sunny day.  Sometimes I wonder if I will be waitin’ on the sunny day for the rest of my life.  I’ve had many beautiful sparkling sunny days in my life already–maybe more than my fair share, so I know I’ll be okay if that happens.   I wonder if this happens to all of us eventually.  There comes a point where almost every event is bittersweet.  With age and life, things that used to be easy-going and untroubled just aren’t any more.  There may never be a completely carefree day for me again in this life.

My son shared a thought with me yesterday that made me start thinking along these lines.  He said that he could never go back to being young and carefree.  He just doesn’t fit in there anymore.   Various life experiences these past couple of years have made him see the world as more dangerous and cruel than I would have wished for him.   He recognizes subtleties and understands more than many his age. I have often wondered if he has ever been as free and happy as some; his thoughts have always been deeper and darker.   Although, his words made me extremely sad because I, like every other mother, want to protect my children from the “real” world, they also made me so proud of his maturity.  I console myself with the thought that maybe this harshly gained knowledge will save him some future sorrows.

When I apply this to my own life, I know exactly what my son means.  Certain events open our eyes and change us.  War veterans are permanently transformed by the atrocities they see.  Becoming a parent shifts one’s focus completely from self to child.   Being a victim of a crime makes one wary.  Being lied to or cheated on makes it much more difficult to trust.  Getting a cancer diagnosis once changes every routine doctor visit for the rest of one’s life.  Being a caregiver to a cancer patient and spending more time in a cancer hospital than anywhere else has forever changed me.  I can never go back to the person I was before.   It’s like there are all these “clubs” out there.  The more “clubs” one is a member of, the more life experiences he or she has had.  No matter how much you want to join, you can’t be a real member unless you have had that particular experience. I’m a member of several of these organizations now.

Does this make me a unhappier person or doom me to all stormy gray days?  No, I don’t think so.  In fact, I believe it is how we grow.  As the saying goes, “Without the bad times, we wouldn’t appreciate the good.”  We can only become empathetic to others when we have actually experienced similar events.  I am now hyper aware of beauty and love in the world; however, this awareness doesn’t come without pain.   The word bittersweet means both pleasant and painful or regretful.  Isn’t that how much of life is after a certain point?  We have fond or painful memories that intermix with current events.  So even on what should be a bright sunny day, there are always a few clouds of regret or melancholy.

Today is Saturday in a hospital, and it’s a waitin’ kind of day.  I’m a patient person though, and sometimes I’ve found, there is peace in waiting. (Psalm 40)    The gray clouds are beautiful, the rain is soft and slow.   There is always hope, and we will find a way.  I feel certain we can manage at least partly cloudy!

**Thank you to MB for reminding me of Psalm 40 today and always helping me through. ❤️

***And of course, thanks to “The Boss”.

Waitin’ on a Sunny Day

It’s rainin’ but there ain’t a cloud in the sky
Musta been a tear from your eye
Everything’ll be okay
Funny thought I felt a sweet summer breeze
Musta been you sighin’ so deep
Don’t worry we’re gonna find a way

I’m waitin’, waitin’ on a sunny day
Gonna chase the clouds away
Waitin’ on a sunny day

Without you I’m workin’ with the rain fallin’ down
Half a party in a one dog town
I need you to chase the blues away
Without you I’m a drummer girl that can’t keep a beat
And ice cream truck on a deserted street
I hope that you’re coming to stay

I’m waitin’, waitin’ on a sunny day
Gonna chase the clouds away
Waitin’ on a sunny day

Hard times baby, well they come to tell us all
Sure as the tickin’ of the clock on the wall
Sure as the turnin’ of the night into day
Your smile girl, brings the mornin’ light to my eyes
Lifts away the blues when I rise
I hope that you’re coming to stay