There have been so many topics that I’ve wanted to write about over the past 2 months, but I really haven’t. I’ve started and stopped. I’ve deleted drafts, and I’ve saved a few. I have at least 3 different notebooks and the notes section of my phone filled with random ideas. It just seems that the sheer volume of thoughts since Harvey, AML’s return, pneumonia, ICU, moving, etc. has kept me from finishing anything. Then Monday happened. My life forever changed again, and I need to write about it.
Tonight I decided that it was now or never. I don’t want to give up writing because I think it helps me, so I just need to do it even if it isn’t my best. Right now I don’t think I’m capable of doing my best at much of anything, but I don’t want to stop trying. That’s the real truth and secret behind what I have done for the last 5 years….never giving up. Bobby is the strong one. The man possessed amazing strength of body, mind, and spirit. I just tried my best to keep up with him and refused to give up!
I’m taking some time to mourn. Mourning, is a strange word to me, and it means different things to different people. It also looks very different depending on circumstances. For us, since we are planning a memorial service for a later date in another place, we don’t have some of the traditional activities that others have right after the passing of a loved one. The family members that have been in Houston with me went back home to do their own personal mourning yesterday. They need their own time just as I do. I came up with rules for myself. Mainly, I decided that I am going to take the time I need to rest and think, but I am going to do one productive thing in the “outside world” every day. I have a lot of “little” things that I need to complete before I leave Houston, and I know that I’ll just put them all off until tomorrow if I don’t make myself do them. I don’t want to look at a calendar one day to realize I haven’t left this apartment complex in over a week.
So, it just so happens based on the circumstances and my “rules,” that on the 3rd full day after my husband’s death, I took Max to the vet. He needed his yearly shots which he doesn’t even feel, so don’t start to feel sorry for him. He just got extra treats! He is the only dog I’ve ever had who is excited to go to the vet, and this is the same place where I took him the night he went through the window, where they gave him shots, pulled glass out of his foot, and stitched him up. Who knows? He’s weird just like the rest of us!
This morning before the vet outing, I drank my Ningxia Red, and I had some granola with raspberries and blackberries along with my normal coffee addiction. I know that if I can TRY to stick to eating right, it will definitely help me to feel better in the long run. You will notice that I didn’t exactly make it the entire day!
Once I got back from the vet, I was exhausted. I managed a very long nap followed by a short walk with Max and some brief play with a young yellow lab named Amar in the dog park. Next was some music “therapy”. Then I ate an entire can of Pillsbury Grands biscuits (which I do not allow myself to eat, but I did today) along with some strawberry jam, a few baby carrots with hummus, apple slices, and a pickle!! Oh, and the rest of a package of sour Skittles that I found in a bag I brought home from the hospital. Don’t judge! 😉
While pretending to do work on the computer and being ever touched by the wonderful friends I have who keep sending love, prayers, and sweet messages, I happened to flip through the television guide and found the movie, “Broadcast News” just beginning. Kind of odd because I don’t flip randomly. I either don’t watch TV at all, I look for something specific, or I park it on a news station or HGTV. “Broadcast News” is one of Bobby’s and my old standbys. It’s one of those that when he would see it on, he’d just stop flipping, and we’d start watching. If you’ve never seen it, you should definitely check it out with one caveat– it’s from the 80s, so be prepared for the big hair!! I haven’t seen it from beginning to end in a while, and it brought back comforting memories.
Which brings me to a question I have: I know that people do it every single day, and I’ll do it too, but how do you just keep going? I’m not lonely; I don’t need someone to rush in and save me. I’m quite serious when I say that I’m glad to be alone right now, and that I don’t want anyone around except HIM. I miss him. I wish he was here right now. I KNOW he is in a better place, and I’m glad he doesn’t have to put up with all the junk he has had to deal with here especially lately, but……WHY isn’t he here?
If you know someone who is mourning or if you are mourning, don’t think bad of them if they don’t “follow the rules” and don’t feel that you should be doing something that you just aren’t capable of doing. It’s okay to feel or to be numb or to alternate between the two. It’s okay to not be productive. Make up your own “rules” for you. Rest is good. Peace and quiet is good. Somedays it’s enough to just feed the dog and cat and maybe yourself too. 😉