Tuesday was a day when I felt like I needed a day off. YESTERDAY was a day when I felt like I needed a day off. I would have called in sick for a “mental health” day had I had that kind of job. But I don’t, and I can’t (just like millions of others). In fact, it wasn’t my “job” from which I wanted to escape. It was the rest of it. I LIKE to escape. I’ve never been one to shy away from a vacation or a day spent doing something fun (skip class back in college to go to the races, anyone???). I remember a time early in my husband’s and my relationship that I wanted to go on a trip together. He was hesitant because he said that traveling was stressful, and he had experienced some vacations where the trip was ruined because of something silly that caused major fights between he and his traveling companion. I assured him that he had never traveled with ME….vacations, weekends away, days off are something I do very well! After our first couple of trips, the man who NEVER wanted to travel suddenly changed his tune, and we had amazing days together everywhere from Belize to Hot Springs, Arkansas. Vacations are sort of a state of mind for me, and in the past, whenever I thought I needed a day off, I could figure out a way to take at least a small mental break.
I remember sometime last year, I wrote about how much I’d love to just have a “normal” day and to be able to give a “normal” day to everyone young and old who are battling cancer, or some other such monster. How beautiful that would be. Tuesday I wanted a day off. But I didn’t get one, and unfortunately the feeling didn’t disolve; I STILL want a day off. That’s NOT fair though. I don’t deserve a day off any more than anyone else who is struggling and needs a day off desperately. If my journey thus far has taught me anything, it’s that…..”Everyone’s got something!” Can we ALL just have a day (or two) off this wildly spinning world? How nice would it be to just chill on a beautiful beach (or at each individual’s own “happy place”)?!?
I’m just tired through to the bone. I’m not really sleep deprived, I eat (mostly) healthy, I make time for meditaion/prayer, I take my supplements and vitamins faithfully, and I exercise (though NOT as much as I should). I’m just SO tired. I can’t seem to get past it, and it bothers me quite a lot that I can’t get beyond it. I feel like I SHOULD be able to, and I hate that I have hit a brick wall. It feels as if I’m getting worse, not better. I have wonderful people who are supportive of me (unbelievably so), I have much more of everything than most, so WHY AM I SO TIRED??? I feel as if I’m just PRETENDING to be okay, and at any moment, this fragile existence will fall completely apart. And, I’m terrified of that happening.
Last week I went to the doctor for a wellness checkup and labs. I’m fine other than being a little low in Vitamin D (can’t he just prescribe a SUNNY BEACH TRIP for that???). Last week I was really glad I was fine, but right now, I kind of wish there was a TINY something wrong, so that I could blame all this insanity on something…..anything.
This week I’ve spent a lot of time in a hospital. Somehow, however irrationally, I think that is the root of some of my craziness. No matter how much I “talk myself down,” I have these flashbacks and I MISS my other life at the hospital SO much. Who misses their “hospital life”??? Every hallway, every machine, every room, every person reminds me of when I was in Houston which leads me to what all has changed, which directs me to this quicksand I can’t seem to elude, which causes me to want to lie down and bury my head under the covers OR run away. Unfortunately, neither of these are options that I can feel good about right now. I also have been hyper aware of other’s pain lately. Since there is an infinite amount of pain to go around in this world, my empathy seems to be on overload. Extra empathy is a quality I’m glad to have, but it makes me SUPER emotional and stressed for everyone.
I understand that the answer to all of this is just time. I KNOW that I will survive, and I’m already a better person for all of it. To match the immense amount of pain out there, there is an immeasurable amount of JOY to be had too. It’s a struggle on the “call in sick” days to find it, but I KNOW it is there. Writing this down helps. Black words on a white screen are concrete. They don’t disappear into the quicksand. I may struggle, but I have outlets; I have friends and family; I have hope and faith. I will continue to fiercely hold onto these “ropes,” so if you are my friend–beware! But also know that I MAY disappear and call in sick sometime if the world will let me get off for just a moment….!