You know I’ve been feeling that I needed to write something for a while, but like so much of my life, writing seems overwhelming. What topic? What words? And how to keep my brain focused for the time it takes seems like way too much! I realize as I write, that is possibly the dumbest excuse EVER because writing helps me, so I need to do it more frequently not less. I started this blog over a year ago to try to sort myself and my life out. So far since that time, life has gotten exponentially more unsortable! Also the question….”How are you, REALLY??” and the comment, “You seem to be doing so well!” seem also completely unanswerable.
I’m trying. I get up when I really want to stay in bed. I’m exercising (sometimes but not enough), I’m sort of eating right. I focus on the positive things and people in my life because there are many. I have been reading for at least 30 minutes every night and doing a daily devotional and meditation. I use and educate others on the use of essential oils to aid in their wellness and ditch toxins in their home. I keep constantly busy. With my house remodel going on outside my current abode (the RV), it’s kind of impossible for me to NOT be busy. My brain can’t EVER be still which is exhausting, but it keeps me from sinking into what I think might be some sort of scary depression if I DIDN’T do all these other things.
I try to interact with others, especially positive people. I have very low tolerance these days for negativity. I was on the phone recently with an old friend who was telling me all the bad things in her life and how terrible people were. She remarked, “Well, YOU certainly know how awful it is.” I couldn’t bring myself to just murmur an agreement. I had to tell her that I didn’t think most people were terrible or that life was awful at all. I also recently was told to be careful because the majority of people will try to take advantage of me. I disagree. In fact, I think many, if not most, people will try to be as fair as they can be. It has been my experience that in the worst of times, the very best in people shines through. It has also been my experience that if you expect good, it is often a self fulfilling prophecy. Honestly, if I get taken advantage of because I expect the best out of humanity, I’ll let the other person worry about that, not me.
I don’t think I’m doing particularly well. I don’t think that I’m especially strong or am dealing with my grief better than the next person who has lost those they love. I am not as patient with things as I once was. I get tired, overwhelmed, and irritated much faster than used to be my norm. I can’t begin to make it through a day without crying. Let’s be honest; I’m kind of a mess. But, just as we all do–I keep trying. If I can’t do whatever it is today, there’s always tomorrow. I have been told that it gets easier. I have faith that God will get me through it. I have hope that the sun will come out tomorrow. I appreciate joy and beauty. And even though the song, “Waitin’ for a Sunny Day” came on the radio today, and I couldn’t get through it all before having to turn it off, I know that I’m going to keep waiting. One day, I’ll be able to sing along and remember with a smile, possibly without crying. In the meantime, I’m going to keep writing, working on my new space, and doing my best.