Facing Challenges, Uncategorized

Love and Loss

Do you ever remember feeling kind of stuck, like maybe you can barely move even though everything is good and you are so lucky and blessed beyond your fair share?  You can’t quite put a finger on what it is; you just know that something is wrong.  But, it can’t be wrong because you have great family and friends, a beautiful home, a business that you love, every imaginable first world convenience, etc. etc.  You feel guilty for even entertaining the thought of hiding under the covers of your pretty bed.  You KNOW that getting up, getting out, working, exercising, eating right, etc., etc. will make you feel better, but the little voice inside your head is saying, “I don’t want to feel better.  I just want to feel nothing.”  The guilt for feeling this way is almost as overwhelming as the sadness itself.  This is something similar to loneliness, but it isn’t for lack of people around you.  In fact, for the most part, you desperately long to be alone.   You feel better when you are alone.

I’m not sure, but I feel like I’m probably NOT the only person who has ever felt this way. Therefore, as I fumble my way through this new life, I think that sharing with others…..being both honest and vulnerable, is the best way to make myself whole again.  This is kind of uncomfortable, but if being REAL is uncomfortable, maybe that just means we all need to do it more.  Being uncomfortable often leads to the truth.  I love the “pretty” part of life, but we need to admit that there is a dark side if for no other reason than it might help someone else.

As much as my life is really quite wonderful, I desperately miss my husband.  Despite the fun I’ve had redoing my home, reconnecting with my family in my hometown, and immersing myself in my essential oil business, I just miss him.  We always thought we had one of the good love stories.  We met later in life after we had learned a lot about the world and each other; we understood what was important, and our goals were to enjoy and love our kids (and grand-kids) and each other and give back to the world as much as we could.  It still seems cruel to me that we lost that.  I know God knows, but as a human, I have a hard time understanding.

I’m leaving soon for a trip to the beach with my stepdaughter and her family.  I’m so excited because the beach is my absolute happy place!  There is truly nothing I love more than having my feet in the sand, soaking up some Vitamin D, and listening/watching those crashing waves.  BUT, BUT,…..B won’t be there.  Who will get me out of my chair to go for long walks?  Who will fix me coffee and get me out of bed early enough to see the sunrise?  Who will talk me into going swimming in the ocean?  He loved to swim and was totally undaunted by strong waves and cold water. Who will drink margaritas with me on the beach?  I’m already missing him saying, “I don’t know what to pack!”  The man absolutely despised packing.  He would say he was just going to buy stuff when he got there instead of packing or would gripe and say he didn’t want to go because he hated to pack.  I always just rolled my eyes and laughed at him!  I just don’t know.  Uncharted territory.  Maybe the rhythm of the surf will hold the answers for me.  I know that sitting and listening surely won’t hurt and will soothe my soul.

I hate cancer.   I also hate addiction.  Both have messed with my family.   I don’t hate much.  Hate is an emotion that I’ve never really had a lot of time for in my life.  It seems pointless and a waste of time and energy.  But I do HATE cancer, and I HATE drugs and addiction.  I learned today of someone who passed away much too young from cancer.  Yesterday it was someone who lost their addiction battle.  Talk about stupid and pointless.  I know way too many sweet children, young adults, and adults who are in the prime of there lives who are fighting and too many who have died (NOT lost).  So, I believe that’s part of my malaise.  This sometimes overwhelming awareness of how human we all are.  We are NOT bulletproof, no matter how carefully we build our glass houses.    I wish that we would quit fighting each other and work together to overcome some of the problems on which we can agree.

So, lately, while enjoying living in my newly remodeled peaceful retreat, I have had moments of feeling so frozen that I honestly don’t think I ever want to leave my house. Once again, I know that I am lucky because I have a normally happy and positive disposition.  I sympathize with those who suffer from serious depression because I can’t even imagine how that would feel.  At these times, I’m super grateful for Max because he makes me get out of bed and take him out which usually leads to a long walk which leads to making coffee, which then leads to many other productive activities just as I should do.   Before I know it, I’ve actually accomplished something despite my earlier feelings of hopelessness.  It just takes that one step; the 5,4,3,2,1,”go”; some peppermint & lemon oils; the little voice in my head changing into my husband’s voice asking, “What are you doing in bed this late? Get up and move while you can!”…….  It doesn’t really matter WHY I get out of bed; it’s just that I DO IT!!!

All of this rambling is just to say that if you need help, ask for it.  You aren’t alone.  No one is perfect.  No one has a perfect life or a perfect family.  We are all in this together.  I’ll keep getting out of bed every day and finding joy in this crazy life if you will!ocean swirl