Facing Challenges, Uncategorized

Where to live?

boatAnyone else have trouble dealing with the past, living in the present, or looking to the future during the holidays???  If all those places are off limits, that doesn’t leave much space in which to live, does it??

I doubt very seriously that it’s just me.  If there is one thing I’ve learned through my “trials and tribulations” is that none of what I am going through is unique despite the fact that I would like to believe it is.   Life, death, love, loss, laughter, tears….all part of the human experience.

The past is full of wonderful memories, but that movie in my head just makes me cry a lot, and I really get so tired of the tears.  All my Christmas ornaments, the stockings my mom needle-pointed,  the Santa mug my grandmother made, my husband’s favorite Christmas carol…..it’s all too much sometimes.

The present is nice; my hangout most of the time, but it often doesn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations.  The present and the people in it can’t possibly live up to what I want because all the people I want aren’t there.  Those people and even a lifestyle are gone.  I need to quit trying to make people and occasions into something they aren’t and will never be.  I’m sure the void will eventually fill in one way or another, but some days it seems that I’m very alone.  It’s very frustrating!!! If you have someone in your life who you love on, vent to, and share with on a daily basis, be extra aware of how special that is and how lucky you are!  Of course losing it is still better than having never experienced it.

The future seems so uncertain because I know that things can change on a dime.   The things you think are so certain and you work for can all be taken away in an instant.   So far I’m kind of scared of thinking about the future too much.  I make goals for work because my work inspires me and sharing with others makes me happy,  but that’s about as far as my future goals go.

I feel like a burden to those I love sometimes because I know they feel sorry for me and/or just want me to be the “have it under control”  mom-take care of everything person that I used to be.  I hate that I have a hard time being that person anymore.  Sometimes I just want to talk about the past and how much it still hurts, and I know that no one wants to sit and listen to me reminisce and cry.  Plus it’s embarrassing and personal.  I don’t want to be THAT person.  No one has time for that—including me.  So, I end up trying to do something positive like working to grow my business, reading for research or escape or spiritual growth, or taking a bath and watching a Hallmark movie.  I know those things are good, but they don’t seem to fix things.   I guess that simply shows that there really isn’t a fix for “things”.  You just do the best you can.  I do think I’m doing that.  I tell others in my life who tell me of their struggles that as long as we are trying, we are doing okay.  It’s when we stop trying, that there’s a problem.  I need to follow my own advice.

That’s why I write this blog.  I can get my feelings out of my head without bothering anyone.  I like that, and it helps.  I don’t know why it helps, but it does.   Occasionally I think that I’ll never work through all this stuff, yet I honestly hope that’s not true.  I want to feel better and be better for my family and for others.  I know there are more things that I can do to help myself which will in turn allow me to help others.  As a song that a very dear friend introduced me to reminds me, “I’m learnin’ how to build a better boat.”  I think we are all doing that in one way or another, and as long as we are learning and trying, well that’s all we can do.   I think living on my boat seems like the best plan. 🙂

“I think I’m stronger than I was
I’ll let God do what He does………                                                                                              When I get done, the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat.”

***There are TWO versions of “Better Boat”, and I’m including links to them both.  One is by the song writer Travis Meadows and one by Kenny Chesney who recorded it and featured it on his latest album.  There are also some VERY powerful thoughts behind the words.  I happen to love all of them. broken heart

Travis Meadows, “Better Boat”

Kenny Chesney, “Better Boat”

Travis Meadows story behind the song

Kenny Chesney, “Story Behind the Song”

better boat