If you are expecting one of my healthy diet and healthier lifestyle posts, this isn’t it. No awesome recipes or more ways to sneak some spinach into your diet. Nope, this is one of my “Facing Challenges” or otherwise known as whiny posts.
Why do I not feel better? Why am I not “cured” of this broken heart? Why do I have to keep pretending I’m okay when it’s not true? Why is it that when I hear of a new friend or acquaintance who has cancer which seems to happen constantly, I feel overwhelmed and pessimistic. I absolutely hate the fact that cancer seems to have robbed me of some of my optimism. Being a glass half full person has always been my thing; however, I now find myself doubting. My husband fought harder than anyone I know; why didn’t we have more time together? Just why? Lots of questions that have no answers. I don’t expect answers. It’s just life, and no one is picking on me. In fact I’m super lucky, but there are days when it still seems so very unfair.
I don’t really understand why some days or weeks are worse than others at this point. It’s just a random day in January, but I miss the smallest things. Asking his opinion about anything, listening to music, watching movies, eating in, eating out, talking politics or religion, walks together, laughing, sleeping, sitting in silence together, playing with Max–even arguing. From the tiniest of things to the biggest, I miss them all. Just “doing life together” as I see people post about when they reference their significant other on an anniversary or other such auspicious day. I’ve never thought of myself as an envious person, yet when I see a couple who obviously has a special relationship, it is difficult not to want what they have and I’ve lost.
I have SO many people who care about me and do such a wonderful job of including me, but sometimes it just doesn’t matter. Sometimes it doesn’t matter because I only want the people that are no longer here. Nothing else will do. I’m very, very grateful. I’m very, very content and happy with what I have when I am not desperately missing that which is gone.
I feel extremely whiny writing this, yet I don’t delete because I know there are others who know what I mean. There are those who feel exactly the same way, who feel ashamed or guilty for saying it out loud, and who think they are alone.
I’m sure that the others for whom grief seems insurmountable do some of the things I try to do to keep on living. I’ve been eating healthier, I pray, I read uplifting books, I am working hard to grow my small business, I have a million and one ideas and ways to occupy my mind and time. Sometjmes it’s just not enough. I want to bounce my business ideas off of B. I want him to help me focus on which ideas are good ones and which are ridiculous, as I have a hard time sticking with one idea. I need him to be here to talk about our kids and all the things going on in their lives. I need him to talk about my mom and my dad. I need him to catch me up on sports and other trivial things.
I know it’s bad when I’m so jealous of a couple I know (through a mutual friend) who are going through a similar experience as B and I did in Houston. They are living there while the husband gets treatment. I read her posts and am taken back in time. They are struggling, but they’re together. Another friend just asked my advice about a family member who is thinking of going to MDA, and I felt myself wanting to go. I miss it. It’s the last place we were together and boy, were we ever together in Houston. It was us against the world. I felt invincible. Now I don’t.