Grief…..you just never know. I saw a description recently that said it was like a ball in a box with a big red button. When you first experience a loss, the ball basically fills the box, so it’s always hitting the red button. Gradually the ball gets smaller, but when it does hit that button—it’s like “WHOA”, and it hurts just as much as it ever did. In fact, as the ball gets smaller, though the pain is the same, when it hits that button it’s more unexpected which causes it to be worse.
Tonight I had a moment. A random thing. A random show. A random song. It made me cry. It was silly, and it didn’t really even make sense to me as to why it hurt so much. But I sobbed. And now I’m writing about it because I bet there’s someone else out that who has had this happen and doesn’t think I’m insane. Or actually maybe I am crazy, but they relate because they are the same kind of crazy. I really believe that we all need to share our craziness. And not just to be funny, but to let others know that IT’S OKAY! We are all a big mess in one way or another.
This seems to possibly be a new stage for me. I’m fine until suddenly I’m not. I feel the tears. It’s embarrassing, and I wish that I had better control over my emotions. I’m pretty sure I will never go a day without tearing up again. Good days or bad days: it doesn’t matter. I’m going to cry about something! Might be a commercial, a news story, a song, or a conversation about someone else’s pain–it’s just going to happen. And I suppose being more empathetic is actually a gift that I’ve been given, but sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to feel quite so connected to ALL the sad, unfair, or melancholy things! There surely should be SOMETHING that doesn’t make me cry!
I haven’t posted in a while because, well, I honestly can’t explain why. I had a friend tell me once that as long as I was writing she knew I was okay. It’s when I didn’t write that she worried. Here’s to more of okay for us all (whatever okay means to you)!
Oh and this was the Song, just in case you were wondering!