Hey. Maybe I’m back to writing. Maybe I won’t write again for 8 months. This new uncertainty in the universe fits my world to a T. It’s so weird how all the craziness going on right now with COVID-19 isn’t really freaking me out. I actually told my therapist that it made me feel sort of normal because the rest of the world now finally “gets” how I’ve felt for months. Heartbroken, abnormal, upside-down, frozen, clueless, unfamiliar, confused, bizarre, sad, just plain scared…….all of these words describe our current mind-set during this pandemic, but, in an oh so personal manner, they also describe my life since November (and if I’m honest, actually since 2017).
I haven’t written in this space since last summer. I’ve jotted down SO many thoughts; I have 18 drafts saved on Word Press. I’ve thought, “today is the day I put something out there;” however, many todays became yesterdays like they tend to do. Well, TODAY is the day. Writing and being vulnerable has become a healing experience for me while publishing my writing (in this blog) is even MORE restorative for some reason.
What I’d like to do and have plotted out in my mind to do is to go back and write about my feelings since my son passed away. Now you must understand, that my mind is in no way under my control these days, so who knows if these blog posts will actually happen?? Maybe I’ll just start writing about birds. I mean, I’ve always loved birds and wanted my super power to be flight. The older I get, the more I enjoy birds (just accept it’s going to happen! LOL). A sweet little bird has built a nest in the window box on my porch right outside my back door. Maybe there will be babies soon. I’m excited about that……see how easy falling into that would be??? BIRDS!!!
So, I’m hoping to write more about my feelings, but if it doesn’t happen, I’m going to try not to beat myself up about it. Isn’t that what we all tell each other about our perceived failures? “It’s okay; you’re doing the best you can.” Yet, we often don’t show ourselves the same grace that we recommend to those around us. Grace is something our country and our world need right now, so let’s begin with ourselves.
Right this minute–today, I want to say something to everyone out there who sees themselves in any or all of the words that I listed earlier. It’s okay to feel that way. One of the MANY lessons learned from all the unplanned, unexpected, scary and/or heartbreaking things I’ve been through is that there is always someone kind to help you if you are paying attention, there is joy to be found in nature and god, and attitude really is everything. Plus, hiding under the covers, crying, and praying until you fall asleep is an option if nothing else works. After all, tomorrow is another day. You aren’t alone. You aren’t crazy. You are human, and that’s a good thing. Be kind, stay safe, and wash your hands.