I’ve been cleaning a little.  From what I hear, many of us have been taking time during the craziness of pandemic lockdown to clean and tackle projects around our homes.

I made a list of things that needed to be done; it was longer than it should have been.  I’ve been in my new home for 2 years now, and though it still feels brand new to me, I sometimes tend to just throw things in a closet. I realized that my closets had a problem when my cousin brought a box back that I use to deliver food.  She asked where she could put it.  I thought about it, hesitated, and then said, “Open the hall closet door, throw it in, shut the door quickly, and don’t judge!”  🙂

I tackled my linen closet first because it seemed the least formidable, and it’s the smallest.  It wasn’t too bad, but there are deep dark pits hidden everywhere.  There were leftover supplies from being a cancer caregiver.  I  found a box of  paper masks, a box of gloves, and even four of the coveted N95 masks.  I also have plenty of thermometers if you need one, two blood pressure cuffs, a pulse oximeter, blood glucose monitor,  and many other miscellaneous wound care and bandaging items.  I remember wanting to throw it all away when I realized that not one of those items could save him from the damn cancer and all it’s assorted complications, but I’m glad that I decided to keep some of it since it’s useful now.

Then, it was on to my pantry which really isn’t a closet, but a floor to ceiling cabinet with pull out drawers.  This went quickly, and it made me feel good to throw out the random nuts, loose tea bags, and some out of date odd vegetable cans.  I even vacuumed the cornmeal and cracker crumbs (or whatever they were)!

The next closet on my list was the guest bedroom closet.  This one had to be next because I wanted to store some of my off season clothes in it, so I couldn’t clean out MY closet until I made some space.  This one was scary.  My son lived with me before moving to Florida.  He left some winter clothes and other miscellaneous items here.  When my daughter and I got back from retrieving his things from his apartment, I went through a few of them, but after leaving the remainder on the guest bed in a suitcase and a box, I finally shoved them into said closet.

I mentally prepared myself or so I thought.  It’s really impossible, isn’t it?  We like to think we have control; we like to think we can command our own emotions, but it doesn’t work that way.  I don’t know why I even try to fool myself.  I know better.  So, the tears and sobs came.  But I got through it.  I gave in.  Then, I managed to throw away, donate, add to my cherished items, and make piles to give to other loved ones.  I ended up with the clean closet I had hoped for.  Hooray!  Right?!  Kind of a hollow victory when one thinks about it.  We all know that my neat and clean closet doesn’t mean a darn thing compared to what’s really important in life.  I would trade it all in a heartbeat.

So, I’m kind of over the cleaning thing for a little while and on to other crucial projects like planting flowers and making sure I have enough bird feeders to let everyone know that I’m officially old.   Now I just need a red hat and a purple dress.

I hope you are surviving the current situation in whatever way that works for YOU.  It really doesn’t matter what works for anyone else. Maybe you’re like me and actually finding a purpose in this insanity.  Or maybe you are just barely hanging on which also describes me very well. 

Thankfully (Or not!?!), I’ve been through quite a few events where my world was completely turned on its ear, and I had no control.  These experiences have taught me coping skills that make this current topsy-turvy world easier to navigate. Hard won wisdom.

We’ve all heard the saying, “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.”  Sometimes I’m not sure it is strength.  I often don’t feel strong. Tenacity means, “continuing to exist” or “able to grip something firmly”.  In my case, I believe the adage would make more sense if it went, “What doesn’t kill us, makes us more tenacious.”  Even if the grip is by only one hand or one finger, I’m still continuing to exist and holding on.  Let’s all keep on gripping and look up.  There are many good things up there–clouds, stars, the sun, birds, angels……