Today marks the two year anniversary of my son’s death. How that can be true is absolutely beyond my comprehension. I’m still trying to come to grips with the fact that it even happened, so how can two years have gone by??
I haven’t written much about the grief I live with every day because I try not to be THAT person who is always saying “poor me”. I’d rather try to bring joy to the world, and if that sometimes takes me faking how I feel, then so be it. For me, my grief is best handled alone. I don’t like bringing others down. So, I retreat into my own little nest with my fur babies when my broken-heart gets the best of me.
As anyone who has lost a child can attest, it never goes away. There isn’t a single day that you aren’t thinking of them wondering why and how and a million other things. I have never blamed God, instead I have turned to him for strength to survive. There are many days that I’m not sure I will make it, so I know that he is there for me enabling me to keep getting out of bed.
I do wonder why my son was taken despite the fact that I prayed for him daily. It’s difficult to hear when people celebrate that their prayers were answered when a loved one recovered from an illness or something good happened that they had prayed for when my prayers weren’t answered. It’s hard not to ask why. Weren’t my prayers good or earnest enough? I know that it isn’t for me to question, and there are things that are not known to us. I just continue to try to have faith.
I mainly wanted to write today in remembrance of Evan. It’s so important to me that he lives on in everyone’s memories.
I want to tell a story about my son that demonstrates what kind of person he was. He had a very good friend who ended up in prison due to some bad choices. This friend is in the Utah State Prison. Evan kept up with him, and they wrote letters back and forth. He told me that Evan was one of only two of his friends that would write to him and pick up the phone if he called. I’ve been writing to him occasionally since Evan’s death. Here’s something that he said about Evan in his last letter….. “He was generous, joyful, and made me want to be a better friend. Evan was so friendly to everyone, always in a good mood.”
So, if you are still reading, I’d like to give a reminder or two. The holidays are a hard time for many. Be kind and understanding of those who are missing loved ones. Let them cancel plans if they need to, but keep in touch. It’s important they know that someone cares. Talk to them about their child or other loved one. Let them know that you remember. Don’t think that bringing their child up will make them sadder. That person is constantly on their mind. It always makes me smile (or cry with a smile) when I hear someone talk about Evan.
The other thing is to love your people as hard as you can while they are here. I have lost a husband, mother, and son in the last few years. I’m grateful that my last days and words with them were loving, good memories. This Thanksgiving, try to forgive where needed, love one another, and give thanks for those you love. ❤️